The Greatest Letter in the World

The following email was written to a friend of mine yesterday. After a minor dispute over some sod installation, the contractor on the job walked off in a frenzy. This email - supposedly drafted by the contractor's 'attorney' - is meant to be the last word on the issue regarding final payment for the uncompleted job.

The remaining balance on the job is $460.

Dear Mr. X,                    
It is a crime in the state of California not to pay for services rendered.
First of all, had you bought the sod yourself you would have had to pay almost $200.00 more for it, you got it at a discount and they often send extra sod, that is what is left, I guess you forgot that you had to pay for the soil in the back yard which was included in the cost and actually Mr. X it came to more than $1400.00 ($1305 sod and $134 soil). Second, on more than one occasion your sprinklers were broken by other contractors and ___ fixed them at no additional charge, at your request. Third, no one has to work in a hostile environment to make modifications to a finished sod installation, in order to get paid. Fourth, You tried to not pay before and you refused to pay a previous person, something you told ___ the second time you met. Five,  ____ worked hard on your yard and it was your indecisiveness and desire to be cheap about everything that delayed the project, no one is going to sit at home and wait for a call; ____ is a busy guy and has many clients to schedule and he does not grow the plants or make the schedules for other companies. Sixth, ___ and his guys did a great job from what we can see in the pictures and anyone would agree. Seven, any small modifications that you desired would have been easily done, however you chose once again to be rude, fowl and hostile, and you walked away and locked yourself in the house and would not answer the door or the phone according to 4 eye witnesses. Eight, ____ is just not going to allow anyone to treat him poorly or try and find ways to get out of paying for a job done well, and might we also say very fast which saves you money Mr. X! Ninth, ____ and his guys had to constantly clean up the messes left by your other workers, just so they could do their job.
  Lastly, we have read all of your displaced, agressive emails where you insist there is some $160.00 value that you should take from ____ to satisfy his unwillingness to work in the hostile enviroment you created for everyone, to make said modifications that you desire after the job was finish; let us be clear, it takes 10 mins and one cut off riser to fix the sprinkler heads that ____ is not responsible for, 4 mins to call the city for a free trash removal which is your responsibility, 5 mins and one thread screw to attach your time clock to an unpainted wall and 2 mins to program which honestly you could do yourself, 10 mins more to put the sod wherever it is that you are talking, which is outside the scope of the bid to which you all agreed, so again not something ____ has to do. However, you honestly believe that this is the sum of $160.00, after all _____ and his guys did for you, at your request without charging you a penny more. You are really a sad person and so naive about what is proper and for that matter legal, but _____ just wants you out of his life.
We will accept $300.00 on the following condition: you and/or anyone you know is never to speak to or/about, or contact _____ or anyone else in his company directly or indirectly for any reason and that you agree that should you break this agreement that you will pay the sum of $250.00 for their additional work and materials (mention above) and $160.00 which is the rightful balance due and any charge in court for any wrong doing will be at our discression should you break this agreement. If the agreement is kept ______ will have no rights to any additional monies, for any reason what so ever and you will never hear from _____ again! If you agree to this you may remit payment to __________. If you do not agree to these terms than we shall just see you in court. I am not asking I am telling you that it is not nessesary to say anything more to _____ or the deal is off just send the Check or Say No, but do not continue to send these rediculous emails, as it is harassment and we really do not care about what you think.
SIncerely,
Mr. Chance